Here we are again. It's been 6 years now since the girls' departure from this world and entrance into eternity. It's just after 330 pm when I'm writing this. We are within 15 minutes from the last time we saw the girls alive. Alive as we knew them. I did see Alicia in the ambulance at the accident scene. She was still alive, but she wasn't the 17 year old I knew then. It's amazing how time flies. I used to remember every detail, now I have to make myself remember anything about that day. Beginning to wonder if there's something wrong with me or not. Is it that I simply don't remember or am I choosing not to remember? I don't know. Honestly, I don't think about Kayla and Alicia everyday. Does that make me a bad dad? I know I wasn't the best father then, I believe I'm a little better now. I'm a lot less hot-tempered. Sometimes I want things to be the same but I know they can't be. I know they are ok. And I believe I am or will be ok. We are so blessed with family and friends who love and care for us. Friends who knew the girls and friends who didn't. Friends who knew us before and friends who didn't. For our new friends, it may seem as if we've always been this way, however they perceive us. For our old friends, they may see a difference in us. I've been told I am different than the person I was 6 years ago. My problem is I don't see it. I don't remember how I was. Apparently, more talkative, happier maybe, more social. It's like everything ended and started over again all in one instance. This is my rambling site. Please don't get overly concerned about me. I just need to place to vent sometimes. Probably should try to get these thoughts out of my head more often. There are some basic truths that we cling to...
1. Kayla and Alicia both had a real relationship with God through Christ. They are without a doubt safe and sound, enjoying eternity. Sometimes it seems like they on the mission field in some beautiful remote place serving God. The biggest drawback is that there is no communication. No letters, no calls, no texts, no nothing. But they are doing well and are completely content serving God with their lives.
2. We WILL see them again some day. We don't know when that day will be. It's not like we can plan a family vacation to go visit them. But there will be a day when we will be reunited. When I was younger I never fully appreciated our hymns and other songs on heaven. That seemed to be a time so far away. It still feels very far away but I have this yearning now, this unexplainable yearning, to be there. Steven Curtis Chapman and Bart Millard of MercyMe and many other writers have so eloquently expressed a longing to be home, really home. Not these temporary surroundings that we call home.
3. God is in control. He is forever faithful. Forever loving, Forever true. He is forever forever. That makes me smile.
Believe it or not, I have a peace that passes understanding. I have a joy that is not based on circumstances. I have a love that is not founded on feelings. I have a God who is and always will be right where I am, even in those times when I'm even uncertain where that is.
In the time it's taken me to write this entry, 6 years ago Kayla and Alicia moved from seeing a reflection of God through a dirty mirror to seeing Him face to face. That to me is...simply, beautifully, utterly amazing!
