New Year Rambling

Another new year has begun. We're 11 days into it. Why doesn't it feel "new"?  The days don't change, the sun doesn't rise differently, the sky looks the same, the air smells the same. Where's the newness, other than writing 12 instead of 11 on checks? Are we supposed to see things differently in 2012 than we did in 2011? I read posts and updates and statuses, many repeating sentiments they expressed this time last year and maybe even the year before. The breakthrough that I'm seeking isn't external but internal. I want things to be new IN me not just AROUND me. I want them to be more than just feelings, more than a passing whim. I'm reminded of "He who began a good work in you will see it to completion." It is HE who began the good work, there is no good in me outside of Christ. And since He started it, it is He and not me who will complete it. Just wish I had a tiny glimpse of the final product. I want to know with confidence that the work is good. It has to be more than just "feeling good". Because I'm not feeling it. Faith supersedes feelings. I am thankful for that. I have to let go of something, I'm just not sure what that something is. I've had things seemingly TAKEN from me but have I actually let go of anything? We're supposed to let go of the past. Let go of control. Let go of anger. Let go of fear. Let go of self. Let go of comfort. Let go of everything AND...do what? Once we've let go, what is there to hold on to? "When you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hold on for dear life". That is too cliche-ish. If you let go, you fall. I've done my share of falling lately. It's no fun. It comes back to faith. There are times when faith seems thinner than air. Is that smaller than a mustard seed though? I know faith doesn't have to be big to be faith. Trying to let go and know that God is holding on. He has promised to never leave or forsake. He has me, even if I don't 'feel' like I have Him. Maybe God IS up to something new in me. I don't want to miss it. Like Elijah, it won't be in the cataclysmic but in God's whisper. I want Him to be so close that I can hear Him breathing just like I can hear Bonnie or Jeromy in the stillness of the night. I don't have to see them or feel them to know they're there. I want to be among the 'blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe'.