Thinking Out Loud

3 years...36 months...156 weeks...1,092 days...26,208 hours...1,572,480 minutes. These are just numbers. This was yesterday. The 3rd Thursday in February crept up on me. I had been focusing on the date, that I almost forgot about the day. Yesterday was "wait at HuHot for over an hour to be seated for Janelle's birthday" day, "drive Mark's mom's car all over tarnation" day & "drive Sarah to work and go back to the party" day. 'Least that's what it was in 2008. Bonnie and Jeromy got haircuts yesterday which is the same thing they did 3 years ago along with Alicia. I don't remember much about the accident. I remember rushing out of the house...pulling up to the curve...meeting Sue...her telling me about Kayla...looking in the ambulance for a moment as they worked on Alicia...seeing Kayla in the back of the truck they'd placed her in...I don't remember the car...couldn't remember if it was right side up or upside down...did I even look down that hill?...I vaguely remember taking the phone from Sue 'cause she couldn't tell Bonnie what was going on and telling her that Kayla was gone, hearing her scream and all I could think was I gotta get back home. Mac drove me back home. I think I pounded on the dashboard a time or two. I tore up a Styrofoam cup and then apologized making some crack about it being a favorite cup or something stupid like that...I remember jumping when a hand touched my shoulder from the back of the truck. I didn't see Bulldog back there, how could I have missed Bulldog? We got home, got Bonnie and turned around to head back to the curve. As we arrived, the ambulance was leaving for the hospital. That 30 minute trip to Mexico seemed to take forever. When we got to the ER, they couldn't confirm if Alicia had arrived and asked us to wait. Crazy, crazy. Why can't I vividly remember details, at least those I think should be more important than Styrofoam cups? Have I blocked them out? Is God protecting me? I know others are haunted by the memories. I've never had a nightmare. Guess that was nightmare enough. One thing I remember though is the outpouring of love we received from our family and friends. I remember James and Nathan coming to the funeral home while we were making arrangements asking if they could do anything. We said they could make coffee, 'course they had to borrow a coffee maker from someone 'cause we don't drink it. I remember all the people who came to the church for the visitation. They re-routing the line like a ride at 6 Flags. The people on my right who were waiting to talk to us, hug us, cry with us, looked so sad, while the people who had gone through the line and to my left were talking and laughing some. It was like day and night. Then I had Tim and Wes and Raquel making funny comments and making me laugh. People must have thought we were crazy or in denial or something. Enough rambling for now...will continue throughout the weekend.